New Change

Hello, to all the WordPress readers and those who follow this site. Just a little update to this site. First I would like to thank you for following me and helping me become a better writer. I appreciate all of your comments and thank you for visiting this site. I will continue to post on Wordpress. Please follow me and continue to give me your feedback on Aquarius @e760.com on wordpress. Thank you and Enjoy!!!!

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Why Don’t You Want Me?…….

Ok, I’m going to take this time to take a break from my life story for a minute to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while. I know when some of my friends read this they may have a different outlook on this than I do. I’ve been my share of relationships. Some good, some bad. But regardless of my relationships they turn out the same. Now before I get started let’s go back awhile…

Now, obviously I’ve been dating for quite some time now. So I have dated all types of women, whether they were black, white, Hispanic, Italian or whatever. they are all different. Some women in the beginning treated me good, until the “bad boy” came along. Of course, when I was younger relationships were new to me and I thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted a “pretty” girl, someone that would make other guys say, “I want her”. A trophy girl you might want to say. I thought that it would make me cool, or boost my “man status”. So that’s what I went for. In my high school days, I really didn’t have a lot of girls who took an interest in me. I was a skinny kid with a athletic build who ran track, and played football, and basketball for sports. Did I mention I had a “afro” hairstyle that switched to a mini “jerry curl” as I went through out high school. So yeah we’ll just say that I wasn’t the most popular looking kid in high school plus I’m black. That also made it harder for me to date girls in my high school.

It wasn’t until my junior year and my senior year in high school that I had my first date. In my senior year that guess what happened?….That’s right I was dating the girl that everybody wanted to date, and she was mine. That of course, was high school. Needless to say, that relationship ended when I graduated, and I went into the military. But even then she cheated on me with one of my friends. He was the friend that stayed in trouble in high school and as a matter of fact, he dropped out of school in his junior year. Again, a “bad boy”, and every woman wants a “bad boy”. When I found out about that little mishap I asked her, “WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME?”……

Now let’s fast forward to young adulthood. My time spent in the military and the dating scene there. First, I was dating this girl that I met in a youth group that I joined when I was toward the end of my senior year. I found out that she was pregnant my third year in the military. So I thought that I was doing the right thing by marrying her. After we got married I wanted her to come out with me to my duty station so that obviously, her and my child would be with me. But for some reason she wanted to stay out there because she wanted to be with her best friend. HHMMMM did you say?…..trust me I said the same thing. She only came out there to visit me and then she left again. When I was shipped overseas and I returned is when I found out that she cheated in me with some guy who drove a red Toyota rice burner. So when I confronted her about it, she told me that was teaching her how to drive….”Really, that’s the best you can come with?”. Then, she stated that “He does that for a living”. Thank god I had a friend who knew who he was because my friend was a military police and the guy that was teaching her to drive, was kicked out the army for fighting and stealing in the army exchange store. “I confronted her about this and she said that he can make her life more interesting for her and that he can offer her more than I. “So is this WHY YOU DON’T WANT ME”?

OK, now at this point after thinking that I was never going to be happy or find somebody that wants me for me, I decided to not give a fuck. I didn’t care if I was hurting their feelings, I didn’t care if they cared about me or not. I did use some of them, whether it was for money, the use of their care, or just for sex. I really didn’t care, I went out to get mine and that was that. I know I hurt a lot of girls with the way I acted, but at that time I was hurt. And not only that, I also continued to get hurt. And that really confused me because even though I didn’t really care about the relationships I was in at the time, some of the women I was with did. And that opened up my eyes to the fact that I was doing the wrong thing because even though that I got hurt in my relationships, they weren’t the ones that did this to me and I shouldn’t be treating them like this.

As I got older I thought it was only fair that I tried to contact some of the women that I dated and that I hurt, whether it be through social media or whatever way I could to apologize to them for my behavior. I did manage to get a hold of some of them and I pleaded my case and made my apologies. I try my best not to burn my bridges with people because you never know if you are going to run into them again. Which, is to say I have ran into some of them here and there and it wasn’t an awkward situation.

Everyone in life has had their share of bad relationships. In some cases, some people decide to give up on relationships, or they don’t care how they treat the next relationship. Throughout life and having their share of having bad relationships people form their own opinions on either men as a whole or women as a whole. Some women have been hurt by so many guys that they don’t believe there are good guys out there. and same for the men, myself being one of them. I probably hurt some of those women, and for that I think even now when I continue to try and better myself as a person maybe this is my karma. I was in a relationship for 4 years and the women I was dating cheated on me with some guy that worked in the same theatre as her. And I asked myself why didn’t she want me? I have dated women who were materialistic and all they cared about was how much money I had, what I was driving or what I could buy them. I’ve dated women who tried to control me by not letting me have any female friends, or not letting me be the person that I am. I am not perfect in any way shape or form, but I do know how to treat a women, and I know that I am a good man.

My past relationships I’ve dated this women who I have like since I seen her. We worked together for three years, and the only reason why we didn’t date sooner was because at that time I was dating someone or she was dating someone. Then when we did finally starting dating each other it was a rocky relationship. I put myself out there for her and I gave her my heart which she broke over and over again. First, she left me for this scumbag of a man who all he did was snort drugs, molest older patients that he took care of and stole from them. So I asked her not to leave me, because she never told me that she was going back to this guy, even when her friends told her she was making a mistake. So after I found out that she left me for him I pretty much was hurt and I asked her “WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME”?

Even though I gave up on that relationship, a friend of ours asked me to talk to her because she wanted me back. I was skeptical at first because I didn’t know what to expect. I liked that much still, I decided to take her back. She told me she loved me and that she was sorry for even leaving me and that she was an idiot for leaving me for him. Then things were going ok for the first month or two, then she said that she wanted to take a break. I didn’t really understand what that meant but….I let her go. The thing that hurt me the most was, that she left at the time we were going to celebrate our anniversary soon. We had tickets to go see Kevin Hart who happens to be my favorite comedian, and she took one of her friends. Again, I took her back. During this time after we got back together she was planning on going back to her baby daddy and I didn’t even know it. By her leaving me I questioned the matter if she really loved me or not. She was bothered by me asking her that, but she refused to understand the reason why I asked. So yes she left me again. Of course I asked her “WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME?”

At first, I said to myself that I was going to give up on relationships and just stay single. What is the point of being in a relationship when all that is going to happen is that I’m going to get hurt again. Until, I recently met this women named Sophie, she is the type of women that lets you know how it is. Of course I was skeptical, as was she. But I really enjoy spending time with her whenever I possibly can. When you meet someone like that, whenever you are with them time stands still, and in that very moment nothing else matters. You laugh at the stupid things, and you have more things in common than you think. You look forward to spending time with this person, they are on your mind all the time. Some people would say be careful because that means they are up to know good. But again, chances are that the same people that are telling you that are also alone. That’s when it’s up to you to decide whether you have a good feeling about that person or not. This time I think I’m going to take it slow. I don’t want to rush things and end back at square one. She is a wonderful person, and she has been through a difficult time in her life as of most people. I am glad that she has walked into my life cause now maybe, just maybe I won’t be alone the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe she may want me……

With that being said, I think that if people would quit judging others based on their experience in relationships, you might be better off. You can’t help you fall in love with or who you are attracted to. Accept the person for they are, and not for what they have. Stop being judgmental against that person because some one tells to be. Stop thinking that people are out to hurt you. There is a saying that states….”if someone tries to tell you or show you who they are believe them.” Sooner or later that person will show you who they really are and then it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept it or not. And yes there are some people out there that just want to take advantage of people because they think it’s cool. But, like I said they will show you and then you can respond accordingly or take action how you see fit. Every one is not the same and there are some gentle souls out there depending on what you want. Give yourself the chance to fall in love again, to trust again, and to realize that there is somebody for everybody. It may take months, it may take years of trials and tribulations and you are going to get hurt and you will do the hurting….as long as it’s not intentional and you let the other person know that, it’ll be ok. But when you find that one person that makes you happy, trust me you will know and then, maybe then you won’t have to ask….WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME…. 

      

Afterwards….

So when I last left off with my story I told you guys that whenever I was at home, that was when I had my bad memories. The good times I had were with siblings. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. Whenever we were home we always either played outside or went to the park. we were always on the basketball court playing with the older kids, and at the same time being rejected by some of them. Rejected for what you ask?….Hahaha….because we were black living in a white neighborhood and everybody already had their stereotypes about us.

Now I’m not going to say that all of the people we lived around were like that. Some o them actually gave us a chance to show them who we really were. Some actually became real good friends with us, and others not so much. We were threatened by some of the town kids as well as there parents…..talk about ignorance. One occasion that comes to mind is, on one evening my brother and sister and I were walking home from the town park. Now keep in mind that there were no sidewalks where we lived at that time. So as we are walking down the side of the road this pickup truck pulls over and three white get out and starts yelling at us and one white guy decides to chase us around with a hammer swinging at us and almost hits me in the head and almost hits my brother. As this is happening you would think that somebody would pull over and help 3 young kids from being attacked by 3 white guys. But no people just kept driving by and even some of the drivers even beeped their horns. Now during this entire confrontation my brother was the bravest one. While I was trying to get to my sister my brother was trying to get closer to the guy who was swinging the hammer. Of course I got my sister out of the way and then ran towards my brother and then the guys came after me again and we took off running. The last thing that we heard the guy say as he drove off was “go back to Micheal Jackson house “. What the hell does he have to do with anything?…..

So when we told my father what happened he went fucking crazy. I never seen him that crazy before, but then again somebody fucked with his kids. He called the cops and made a formal report, and when the detectives was taking our statements, they acted as if we were lying about the whole situation. “We’re going o find the people this did this to your kids” the detectives said. Three days later we seen the same pickup truck sitting at the same store where the attack took place. Now here’s the kicker, they were talking o the town cops. So much for finding the people who did this to your kids, huh?

So after that attack took place I was petty much on guard towards every white person that we came across. When we were at school and some of the other kids found out, some o them laughed and said that they should of got those “niggers”. Now at the age that I was I wasn’t completely sure what that word meant. They also called us “coons” and “jigga boo” which all had a racist term for black people. I even laughed at some of those names because I thought they were cool nicknames at the time. That just goes to show how ignorant I was to all of the racism that w faced at that time. it wasn’t until this white girl that was in my class told me not to laugh or smile when the other kids called me that. I asked why not? she said “they are making fun of you and they’re being prejudice towards you”. I just sat there and looked at her and wondered why they were saying things like that to me and my siblings. We just moved there not to long ago and we don’t know anybody really so the fuck were they saying things like that. I turned around and asked her why she wasn’t saying things like that me and why is she telling me this? She said “I’m not like that”. “My mom said it’s not nice to call people names and that they were stupid”. So needless to say we became friends throughout school. All through school I ran track and played football only for one year. I also ran away from home once. As I got older and my school years were almost over my parents were never there. The only time we got any attention from them is when we were in trouble for something. 

If I didn’t mention before my stepmother gave me a black eye because I got in trouble at school. She also kicked my little brother so hard se kicked him under the dining room table. Now don’t get me wrong, some things I did I deserve to get in trouble. I lied my ass off when I was a teenager. I mean if I could tell a lie and get away with it…..shit I did it. I lied because I didn’t want to get in trouble by my dad. Never did I realize that the more I lied the more trouble I got into. My dad and my grandmother always said to tell the truth. But shit if I told the truth I still got in trouble anyway so what the fuck? On a funnier note, I was in my junior year in high school, and I was with a couple of friends in the park just playing ball and having a good time. I got into one of my friend car and put it in drive, and pressed on the gas and slam…..I crashed into a another car. Of course I got in trouble. But the funny thing about my punishment was I was sent to Buffalo to my mom’s house with my grandmother and the rest of my family that I haven’t seen for awhile. I haven’t seen them in awhile was because my dad never took us kids to any family reunions or even to visit. But still you sent to there and my dad or my stepmom was not. Talking having fun the entire time I was there….I had a blast.

The rest of my school years went by pretty quick. Junior prom and senior prom came and left and then graduation. And before you ask, no I didn’t graduate top of my class. I graduated somewhere in the middle. But oh well, tat was my schools tears in a nut shell. Like I mentioned my younger years and my high school years were uneventful and it was only at home is when things for m were sad…..and it didn’t stop there.    

Lets talk High School

Oh boy here we go…..

My school years was pretty usual for a high school kid. I wasn’t popular or had a lot of friends. But thing I was, was a class clown. I pretty much made most people laugh. My seventh grade year I had a difficult time making a lot of “popular” friends because of two reasons. 1 I’m black and 2 I’m shy….now people wouldn’t think so. But not only was I shy I looked like a bum. As a kid if you didn’t have new clothes or new shoes for school other kids look at you as if you are poor. My brothers and I got that look pretty much all the time. I remember I was in the 7th grade and I was in the gym, playing basketball. I was playing with this kid and I went up for a rebound and so did he. I was out weighed by at least 75lbs and he landed on top of me. Yeah….it didn’t feel good. I ended up fracturing my hip and I lay there on the gym floor in pain and shedding tears. Now most kids you would think, at least come over and see if you’re ok or see if you need help……not exactly.

As I lay there all I could hear was kids laughing at me and high fiving the kid that landed on me as if he accomplished a major defeat. Needless to say the EMT’s came and they removed my sneakers from my feet. My socks for lack of a better term were hard as concreter and black as tar. The look the lady gave me was unforgettable I couldn’t erase that look if I could. “I’m sorry” I told her. “It’s not your fault” she said to me. I couldn’t help but be embarrassed as they removed the other shoe. I’m not going to even talk about the smell….yeah it’s the kind of smell that would make you want to slap the shit out of somebody. But anyway, they took me to the hospital and they said you have a fractured hip. So they told me they were going to call my parents and they’ll go from there. The one emt lady that came to the school came and sat with me until one of my parents arrived. “Are you poor?” she asked me. I said “no I don’t think so.” before I could get another word our she handed me a brand new pair of socks. “No kid should go to school with those kind of clothes on”. And of course I shed another tear “thank you ma’am.” and she slowly put the socks on my feet and left the other one next to me until after the X-RAY.

So, in comes my step mother and asks the doctor what happened. I’m laying there and then she starts yelling at me as if I did something wrong.” I have no business leaving work to come get you from school.” I’m sitting there looking like what fuck did I do. I guess it’s safe to say I really didn’t like her to begin with. I never liked her ever since my dad married her and the only reason why I called her my mother was because my asked us to. I wanted my dad to like me and be proud of me so I did.

So anyway back to the story, I was grounded when she brought me home. Like I said she felt like she shouldn’t have left work to come get me. The next day when I went to school, the only person that would help me out was my best friends{whose names I won’t mention} never the less it was only 3 of them, that would help me. The one kid that did this to me did apologize only because his mother made him. So I was crutching for awhile until my hip got better. After that I was pretty much back to normal I joined the basketball team. I wasn’t a starter on the team I sat on the bench until they needed me to play, and most games I didn’t get to play…ask me why? HAHAHAHA yeah anyway…..I wasn’t the best player on the team but I wasn’t the worst either. So as a scrawny little kid that didn’t play much what would have done?…..yup, I joined another sport.  And now I’m on the track team. I think that was the best thing I could’ve done. I enjoyed running and jumping and I made a lot of friends doing track. I set some school records and as I know right now they haven’t been broken, 5 records to be exact. Besides running track, I wasn’t the smartest kid in my class but I was average. The main thing I was good for was getting into trouble. Sometimes I would do my homework wrong just to get a reaction out of my teacher. then I would lie and say I didn’t understand the homework and they would give me a passing grade for acting stupid lmao…..yeah I was good for that hell I still am. But most of my troubles didn’t happen at school….they happened at home because at home is where I was troubled….

Chapter 1 Elementary

The years of elementary were for a lack of better words short and brief. As for my childhood well you’re about to find out. Let’s see where should I begin….well at this time I’m still living in the projects with my mother and my father who pretty much was away at work most of the time. A few years after my baby sister passed away, things got a little easier to adapt to. Although I didn’t know the facts of life and death I was used to not seeing her around, and my mother not holding her or feeding her. At times I would cry or shed a tear because I did miss her. I remember seeing my mother shed a few tears every time I or my brothers would mention my sister. But like I mentioned things did get easier. My time spent in the Perry Projects as a child were simple. I played with my brothers and the other kids in the area and got dirty and argued a lot. as I got older around the ripe age of 5yrs I learned how to fight. Well that’s what I called it anyway. We pretty much just hugged and see who can get dizzy and fall to the ground first. And yes as light in the ass as I was I fell first most of the time. But I learned to throw my opponent off balance with their weight and made them fall first. I “fought” a lot. I even fought for my brothers as well. Especially my little brother because he always ran off his mouth and didn’t care who he was talking to. But anyway getting back to the story, I did have fun. My grandmother stayed around the corner from us s we would go visit her very often. I remember when we got out of school, we would go over there and she would always give us snacks. That was always my favorite reason for going over there, I also enjoyed going because the other people that stayed in that apartment were crazy. As a young child I would see the neighbors over there and some of them wouldn’t have any teeth and they smelled like liquor and cigarettes and other things. I would ask my mom what happened to there teeth and my mom said it happens with old age. I would think hell I don’t want to get old then. My mom would always say that the smell of the liquor was there happy juice or the medicine that they were taking. I don’t ever want to take medicine either. In those years from 5-8 living in the Perry Projects I have seen a lot of drug use and the effects that drugs has on people. Obviously, I didn’t know at the time but now I realize that’s what it was. One of  the biggest secrets I ever kept from my family was that I saw one of the next door neighbors in my apartment complex sucking dick on the stairwell in the hallway right outside of our door. As a child I had no clue what was going on. I just stood there and watched as they kept going and wondering why she was moaning and the guy had his head down and his hands were in her hair and his mouth was wipe open. Next thing I know she had this look on her face like she couldn’t breathe, and then something white came out of her mouth. I just remember being scared for her and then I see her wiping her mouth and smiling. then for some reason she toward our apartment because out door was cracked open with the chain locked so it was only opened just a little bit to allow air through. And as she looked toward the door I seen her face and realized she was the mother of the girl that I liked. My eyes got big as hell, but of course like I said I never said anything to anybody, including the girl I liked. Well as time passed on I seen many crazy things, heard crazy things and did crazy things. I don’t remember having to many bbq’s and family reunions and things like that. Our Christmas, well living in the projects should pretty much tell you how are holidays were. We made toys out of anything. Pick up something glued it together and called it a toy. We made due with what we had. We had each other and we had our mom and my grandmother. My mom even though she really didn’t have money and could barely feed us, she made sure we ate first before she did. If we didn’t have food she would send us over to my grandmother and she would feed us with the food she had. We had rice pretty much most of the time with bologna and ketchup, and a piece of bread or whatever we had. But we go to bed hungry but at times i felt bad because I knew that my mom did. In todays society you might say we were bums because our clothes were passed down from brother to brother, and sometimes they won’t fit properly or they looked dirty. But through all that time we managed to make it threw with each other despite the knockdowns my family took from strangers, racist people or people who just tried to take what little we had, we made it through. The greatest memory I had living in the projects, was my grandmother bought me and my little brother running shoes and my big brother a couple T-shirts. We thought we had just won the lottery or something or that maybe somebody owed us money and they paid up. But I put my sneakers on and I was happier than a pig in shit. We went outside to go play and I took a deep breath and I ran, I just ran……..

Introduction

Wow it’s funny to talking about my life and posting it to a media social site….oh well here I go…..
          My childhood was good and it wasn’t horrifying. I grew up in the Perry Projects in Buffalo, N.Y. in the the 70’s and early 80’s. I had my 2 brothers and 1 sister who passed away at a very young age. She didn’t live to see her 2 birthday, she passed away of a bad heart. I remember that moment as clear as day, my mom had me and my brothers sitting on her lap and was just talking to us. Of course we had no clue what was going on and my little brother asked where she was and my mother simply stated….she sleeping. But I couldn’t understand why the fire department and the ambulance was here…..”what wrong?” I said. My mom just pulled us closer into her arms and just started singing and humming to us, we didn’t even see them carry her away.
          As time passed on I was around 4 or 5 I began to notice parts of my childhood was beginning to up and down. Especially when I started school. I went to a Catholic school and used to get beat up my this little girl lmao!!!! Obviously, I didn’t know how to fight and I told my mom and she said it’s because……that’s right you guessed it…..”she likes you”. Huh?….then why she keep hitting me? She just shook her head and laughed and gave me a ice cream bar. I didn’t want no damn ice cream I wanted to know why the hell she keeps hitting me and it’s not because she likes me…..of course I didn’t say that to her vocally she would’ve slapped the hell out of me lol. So I just figured oh well liking somebody hurts lol when I started 1st grade I never saw her again…..thank you Jesus……